Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
