i was rollin on her like bob the builder
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
