This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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