my phone needs a breathalizer
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
