I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
