you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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