eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
