grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
