I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
