I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
