were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
