I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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