we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
