I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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