just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
