What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
