I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Enjoy the penises
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
