he puts the penis in happiness.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
