i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
