My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize