so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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