Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
