wrigley field is MILF paradise
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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