he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
