dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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