i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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