I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
