DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
