you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
