I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
