I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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