He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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