you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Who died my cat blue again?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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