shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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