But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
