Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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