i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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