Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
