I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
