please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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