i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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