The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
