Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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