just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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