You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Randomize
