2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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