So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
