he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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