This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize