When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
