i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
