My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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