tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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