is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
