did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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