I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
