What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
