Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
