he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
