I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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