I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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